This morning when I woke up, all I could think about is “wow, spring is here.” For three days we have enjoyed what we think spring should look like; beautiful, warm and even sunny weather with a bit of a warm wind. But this morning it was sleeting, hailing, snowing – well, I’m not sure what it’s doing. It is gloomy, windy, raw, and cold, and – it’s March in the Berkshires.

Welcome spring…Years ago, when my kids were really little and we used to read those little kid board books, there was this extremely annoying book “Spring is Here” that my daughter could not get enough of. I have no idea where the book is, I probably long ago gave it away to the first taker, but I still remember:

Spring is Here,
The snow melts,
The grass grows,
The cows moo,
The children play…..
Spring is here

Now – this is not the entire book (most of it though!) but I found myself reciting this on the way to drop my kids off from school today, who, yet again, missed the bus because it’s back to being pitch black in the morning since Sunday’s Daylight Savings adjustment. The loss of that one hour this past Sunday and the waking up to darkness again is not sitting well with the Sosne household in the mornings.

What does spring mean?A year ago, I was finishing up the final draft of my Memoir, A World Turned Upside Down; A Memoir of Healing and I had not yet begun to write my toolkit book based on the analogy of the human as a tree. I had not thought about or knew about the three surgeries that I would get in the upcoming months. I had no prediction of what the future would bring. I had just gotten a disappointing and inaccurate work review and felt belittled, unseen, and lacking of a voice in my workplace, which made me question where I was rooted in my life. I remained at my job, because I love my job – I love working with college students and elementary students in an underserved district. I love the individuals that I work with in the district, the teachers, and the positivity and enrichment that our partnership brings. I felt seen and heard except in my department and immediate workplace, not by the individuals who I collaborated and worked with.

But, as I stayed on this branch/pathway at Williams College, I realized last spring that this branch was a dead end. There was no further growth that would happen on my tree in my current track in academia and higher education, because my colleagues did not believe in me and my interests and areas where I could be of greatest impact were not served by a liberal arts college. One year ago, as I worked on my final draft of my memoir, I reflected on how trauma has affected me over the years, my identity, the core/trunk of my tree (if we’re speaking in terms of my tree as my living being).

My trunk was vulnerable in the current environment that I now found myself in. My roots, grounded and desperate to seek nourishment from the soil and environment around me, were not being fed or enriched. Instead, I found my tree trying to survive storm after storm just trying to stay grounded and standing, but with each storm my tree slowly was losing life and energy. My trunk and core were sustained, but my branches could not flourish and the leaves that I wanted to sprout and fill my tree were not plentiful and would not be for spring or this summer.Trauma effected me by doubting myself and start to believe those around me, that I was not worthy of being properly nourished or fed through support and colleagues in my surrounding environment.

Once again, I reflected and found myself as a stand-alone tree, built to withstand elements, but always in survival mode; I was not part of a larger forest, I was alone. In this mode, I could not grapple with what I wanted or saw as my future; I could only survive. One year, three surgeries, two published books, and a successful winter study teaching about grounding and finding your inner tree, later I now recognize that it may be time to uproot my tree and securely ground myself in an environment that is more supportive, challenging, and ultimately will allow for more growth. My tree will have more branches, more leaves, and be more plentiful. There will still be storms, but I will not be in chronic survival mode.

I am going on a pathway to reconfirm my identity, my confidence, as well as my calling. I’m worthy of a second chance and I’m worthy of taking myself out of a trauma infused environment and planting myself in an environment where my skills, talents, temperament, sense of humor, and personality as well as experiences will be considered an asset to a team and where I will not be a stand-alone tree.

My Memoir was a start to the healing process. It started to show me that I am worthy; I’m not my past and my past does not have to dictate my future. We all get second chances and we all gain experience, and new perspectives. We all have branches that fall down and are dead with no leaves on them to grow, only to grow new branches that bring life and hope, and that will enlarge our tree through rich soil and supports.I have inklings of my next step in my journey or my next branch. This is what spring is really about – correct? Reflection, renewal, reaffirmation, and change in many ways. Water and nutrition to feed this growth.

What does your tree look like now as we approach spring? Are you rooted in a safe, collaborative, and trustworthy environment that supports your core and your true identity? Or are you in an environment that where you are surviving a continued gradual death of branches of your tree, because of lack of support and nourishment?

Spring is here,
The snow melts,
The grass grows…

What does your tree look like? What will the leaves look like? Is it time to let go of some deadened branches, to re”root” (route) your journey? What does your gut/your trunk say? Never settle.

As hard as uprooting is, it’s all part of the pathway in resilience – of learning what you can be, who you are, and what you want to become for you, your family, and for society at large

Spring is here; where are you? Where do you want to be?