We need to live in a world where we hear, read, and see the uncertainty around us, not the controlled society that we have manufactured through AI, an internet game, or through social media. If a mass shooting on a college campus during finals is not eye-opening and leads us to listen, hear, and act on the violence that is increasingly prevalent in our world, that we are numb to, because we read about these shootings over and over, just as a hate mass shooting in Australia during a Hanukkah Celebration is just another anti-semitic act of violence that no longer has shocking effect to those of us who live in this world of hate and to those in this world who make the laws and rules of the land, than what is eye-opening? Eye-opening would be one year without any mass shootings, right?
It’s scary. And, it’s especially scary for those who have lived through a trauma, are living in a trauma, or who know someone who has been traumatized. The intent of my Memoir, A World Turned Upside Down; A Memoir of Healing was not to just tell my story, but to voice my trauma and to encourage others to do so as well. Through voicing trauma, and bringing awareness to its effects, we can start healing. But, catharsis through voice, writing, and self-expression is only lasting if we all hear, read, and see the individual(s).
I always know that there is a letdown after what you deem as a tremendous accomplishment, a marathon, graduating from a school, writing a book. It’s inevitable. But, I thought that the physical exhaustion is what threw me over the edge in terms of the letdown after these competitions. The adrenaline alone made me tired. I never thought that accomplishing and finishing writing my memoir would leave me not only with a letdown, but also not the adrenaline rush that I had gained from the actual process of writing or the actual physical process of running a race. The final product; I looked at it in awe and disbelief, but there was not a sense of fulfillment that I had expected. Maybe because there was such a long period between the writing and the final product commoditized for sale, but the connection just wasn’t there. The fear of no one reading it and all of my financial, psychological, and vulnerability I put out there of myself being for nothing triumphed over the actual amazement, comfort, and pride in writing and publishing my memoir, my story. I had a voice and yet, as I looked at the book it felt so distant.
Why? I had a sudden urge to need to get my voice and book heard and out there. But, the exhaustion and demoralization as I tried to navigate social media, the pressures to get in-person events organized, to update my website, sign up for Goodreads, everything…my memoir trapped me into yet another spiral of “I need to…” which comes from the underlying notion that “it’s never enough.” I used to think if I just could ______, then I could relax and feel like I’m not a failure, that I’m impactful and that I wasn’t robbed of my childhood, young adulthood and professional career, not that I know what that would have looked like. But, it isn’t about what I could or what I need to do, because as I sit here and write this blog or journal entry to whomever might read this, I realize that the pressure to do more and to need to be more is a vicious cycle that my memoir has not broken for me. Writing my memoir was an adrenaline rush; a purging of horrors and intimate details of my life and trauma that I hardly remember writing, but yet after each writing session, it was incredibly gratifying. The endorphins released from exercising my ferociously typing fingers pounding on my computer and the words and words, paragraphs, pages that ensued, made the process so therapeutic.
But the process did not heal. The process was cathartic, but the letdown after seeing a finished product and the fear that I would not ever get to voice my story and my journey to help others in a more impactful way loomed. I’m not famous. I don’t have connections. I’m a nobody…this is a phrase that I heard in part of me head, repeated over and over. Partially it has been ingrained from my complex trauma, but also it is ingrained in my current experiences working as an individual in a larger institution or as a one mom in a school; the list could go on. Like many who are traumatized, I feel a vulnerability within this powerful bureaucracy that is no different than any other large institution, corporation, or employer. Individuals within such a large community can feel muted and the vicious cycle of feeling unheard, feeling a lack of control, and a lack of impact on the environment around such traumatized individual continues to be fueled and is detrimental to the individual, the collective environment of the individual, and society at large.
My Memoir is a segue directly into my wishes to address awareness of perspective through a trauma-informed lens and the long-term psychological and physical effects of trauma in order to support, strengthen an individual’s skills, expertise, and voice. There’s a huge problem in today’s society in terms of the dehumanization through replacing individuals in the workplace with AI technologies and through individuals not socializing, preferring to socialize with their friend on social media where they curate their ideal appearances. In media space, the world is our oyster. We learn to gain confidence, but it seems to be only in our avatar counterpart on Fortnight, or whatever game or social media platform is most preferred these days. So, how does this relate to anything with trauma awareness and individual vulnerability in the larger workspace and society?
Everything! The more reliant we become on AI to manufacture, run, and even drive cars, assist in surgical procedures, etc., and the more successful AI (that humans do have a part in coding and controlling), the more confident we become behind AI. AI, social media, cyberspace, emails, text messages; these are all armor that we use to hide behind. When armed with these tools, there’s a confidence in our internet self. We can control, in many cases, how our internet self looks (photoshop pictures, use different pictures), alter our voice, come up with a new address, profession, family, a new life. We have control. But, this sense of control is not real. We all need an awakening to learn what the reality looks like and just how traumatized individuals are and will be if this numbness and inaction continues. We all need to be reminded and future generations need to be taught; actions having consequences. You can’t shoot multiple individuals in real life and the “game is just over.” People die; that is permanent. Our video games and tremendous reliance on the internet world and our tablets skews our youth from understanding the real consequences. Real consequences result in trauma; a lasting trauma that if not carefully addressed, worked through, or seen by powerful individuals, will continue to erode the traumatized individual sense of self, self-efficacy, and self-confidence.
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We are too numb to trauma; we are in a society that has become too numb to individualization. Our goal is not to become a society that is full with automatons, unless I’m completely outdated in my ambitions. The goal is not to create teaching that is rote, not individualized, and not to create a workspace where people or valued based on a number, a subjective rubric. The goal is to use technology, AI, and all of the skills and tools that we can learn from research to look at its effects on our interactions with one another and the world around us. The goal is not to retreat into a world that we falsely can control and to be numb to the reality. Technology and the knowledge, efficiency, and research that it can give us is a gift, but this gift turns to pure danger if we take the human interpretation and application to real life out.
I did not hide behind my Memoir. AI did not write my book. I exposed my vulnerability and who I am in my book, so why did this not feel right now like a momentous step towards healing?
The catharsis of writing opened up a pathway towards healing. That pathway can only be continued if supported and recognized by others in my own environment. Just as someone who has survived a mass shooting, gun violence, domestic violence can find solace in the process of writing about it, but if there’s no real awareness of the trauma, it’s effects, and the struggles that individuals continue to endure on a daily basis, then there’s only so much healing an individual can do alone. If our society continues to believe that there is no reason to have stricter gun laws after atrocity after atrocity, how are individuals meant to feel heard in their trauma? Let alone safe in their environment?
Experiences are permanent, but how we perceive them and how others help to be aware of such experiences and support individuals in healing as well as in the workplace, in schools, and institutions so that every individual has access to being the best version of themselves, is what listening to a voice, instead of muting a voice is all about. And, the more we listen, the louder the voice will get, the stronger, and the more able to heal.
